Truth or Lie: What would you do?
If you have a friend who is very despondent about something bleak in their lives (i.e. relative given high-probability-of-death diagnosis, cheating spouse suspected, etc), and they came to you and asked for your support, what would you do: Would you help them cope with the truth and be factual that things are likely not going to end well to help them cope and prepare in a realistic light, or would you lie and comfort them with positive thoughts that “everything will be okay” even though you know negative change is very likely going to affect them?
Think hard about this. What would you really do.
Feel free to vote below and share comments in the comment section.
[polldaddy poll=8982958]
Although I have lost friends who preferred me to say, “There, there”, and place my hand on their shoulder. I cannot. A true friend, will listen, but offer facts. After actually telling two of my friends the truth. Both actually resented me, resented that the outcome I was telling them was inevitable, and told me they would rather if I can’t support them, to go away. Me going away did not change their lives, and they still suffered the same outcome. The real question is this Renee. If my friend was upset that her husband was going to fight for custody and win. What could I have done anyway? This friend obviously could have changed the outcome. But I knew, saw what she was doing wrong, and even if she tried every thing I said, was probably going to lose anyway. In the process I lost a friend. HOWEVER. Her self sabotage took a toll on MY LIFE. Calls about her ex, her son, her life drained me. I stick with my original thought. Be yourself, and stay true to what you do. I am a truth speaker, no matter what.
Death is a beautiful part of life and i dont think its something people should try to run from. Everyone has to fight with time to find their place before their inevitble death. So with that in mind i would definitely give the truth even if they dont like it cus thats just who i am.
Actually after re reading i totally misread what u were saying but id still give the teuth lol
I can’t believe the overwhelming majority of votes here. Most people would lie and say it’ll be okay, including myself.
If the outcome will be the same either way, I think it’s better to give some sort of comfort rather than inundate them with more things to worry about. From their perspective they’re coming to you for support and comfort, even if it means a lie. Lying in this case is a demonstration of your love for them – perception is reality.
It’s nice to think you’re above that and to come up with reasons why you’d act that way. When the chips are down I doubt that’s what you’d actually do. I think it’s ironic that so many people are intellectually dishonest now when asked if they’d be honest later…
Don’t accuse us of lying!!! I have been in this exact situation myself and have always told the truth! I did it with empathy and grace and at the end the people thanked me for being the only person who ever really “gets it”.
No, I know I would tell the truth. But that is the bad part in me. I don’t mean it poorly, but it can be a fault. I can’t lie, and say, it’ll will be okay. However, after losing two friends, I will ask the person. Do you want my advice, or just to listen. And I was amazed that several times, they actually said, please just listen.
Remember to factor out selection bias on this poll. I do think an awful lot of people are the types who’d lie and say everything will be OK, even if it may not be. I don’t know whether it’d be a majority of people or not, but it would be quite a lot. But remember that this poll is limited to the people who find it on this website– and the people who find their way to and come back to this website are a relatively small subset of the greater population. It’s not outside the realm of possibility to me that if you deliberately limited yourself to the people who read this blog, that you’d find a higher percentage (in actual practice, not just in self-reports) who would default to telling the truth in these kinds of situations.
I know that’s what I’ve done in the past, but I do it in a very particular way. I make sure that I offer plenty of support to go along with the bits of truth that I offer someone, and I try to limit it to what’s going to be the most helpful and most relevant at that moment in case I reach the limit of what they can cope with and have to stop, and then I bolster that truth with as much support as I can offer to make sure that they have the strength and resources to survive it, even if it’s just one step at a time and I have to do the whole thing over again later.
I’m someone who likes to prepare people for what they might face, so that they can persevere and thrive their way through it, and then hopefully be able to pass along some tidbits of whatever they learned from it to the next person. I guess in a way I’m probably more of a coach or mentor to people when I’m trying to help them through something, because I don’t just want them to FEEL ok, I want them to actually BE ok, and I recognize that I might have to do some work to make that happen, so that’s what I do.
But everyone has their own approach, and I think that’s a good thing. Ideally, everyone will have an assortment of friends and family who are comprised of a good mix of those approaches, so that no matter what they’re facing, they’ll be able to think of someone who might be able to offer them whatever kind of support they need to get through it. I know there have been more than a few times when mine wasn’t the right one– I’ve had people tell me at times that they didn’t want me to try to help them or give them advice, they just wanted me to LISTEN to them and acknowledge them and not make them feel like something needs to be fixed. They only needed to feel recognized, understood, and validated, and my approach isn’t always ideal for that. I tend toward being a fixer.
So if you’re someone who takes the other approach, then good. Keep doing that. There are people out there who need you to do that, and lord knows some of us are going to be lousy at what you’re great at. Just always try to learn to do whatever it is you do better than you did before, because we all make mistakes too, and mistakes suck all the time, but never as much as they do when they hurt someone besides us, because you can’t fix that.
None of the above. In my experience, deep down the friend already knows
the facts and doesn’t need me to repeat them. When a friend asks for
support, they’re asking for someone to listen. Someone who may be able
to help out in any way, shape or form while they’re in the midst of
this. They’re seeking a non-judgmental attitude. I wouldn’t know for
certain if a negative outcome is likely, nor would I know if everything
truly will be okay. But what I can do is be present with them as they
work through it. Instead of asking what can I do to help, I’ll think of
something and do it. If that means running a couple errands for them so
they can have time alone to grieve, treating them to dinner, whatever
may be beneficial to them in effort to, if even in tiniest way, help to
ease their suffering.
I can’t just tell someone it will be okay and have them believe falsely. It is best to deal with reality. The hard part is taking the time to just deal with the situation in a way that you don’t make things worse for another person. You don’t want to be a discouragement. You don’t want to cause them more stress. Oh, and cheating is not the same as being terminally ill, so that’s hard to compare. However, if the cheater is terminally ill, I pity the person who has to decide how to handle that situation. Zoiks. Those situations are emotionally uncomfortable as all get out. ….some might even call them emotionally inconvenient. People aren’t emotionally neat and tidy and relationships with them are not neat and tidy. I am not sure that this situation would all be handled “intellectually.” If this person is your friend, emotions would waltz through the door with them and their problem. If they are surely near death, then I would want to have a discussion with them about their future (but that’s me.) If they were being abused, I would want to get someone with expertise in the area involved. The word “support” to me does not mean patting someone on the back all of the time. Although there are certain things life hands to us that leave us with few options. A spouse dies? Your friend needs the hugs, the pats on the back, the forward looking encouragement when the pain isn’t as raw. A spouse cheats? Suspects that they cheated? I would listen and see if I hear facts or fears. Facts can be discussed, but fears have to be weeded out to see if there is even any truth in a situation. Oh, and another thing, I am not arrogant enough to think that I am always THE PERSON that is the appropriate person that should offer assistance. If my friend really should be discussing the impending doom of whatever with their son (or someone else), then I hope I recognize it fast enough so as not to stand in someone else’s spot. Having rambled about all of that, I have to say that sometimes people do need distraction, specifically distraction from the pain of something that cannot be avoided. In those cases, there is nothing wrong with helping/allowing someone to just take an emotional break from something super hard. Maybe you go shopping. Maybe you just listen to music together. Maybe you play cards. Maybe you go sit in the sun, drink some lemonade, feel the breeze across your skin, stare out into nature, and pet the dog. Sometimes, it is appropriate to tell someone that “everything is going to be okay” even when things are bleak and there will be loss. We all have to deal with loss at one time or another, but we all must go on; and with that in mind (the going on part) I WOULD simply tell them that everything is going to be ok. Maybe you can’t see how and maybe they can’t see how, but eventually acceptance has a way of ushering in peace of mind. Um, I think I basically don’t have a black and white answer for what seems to be a black and white question.
For me, this is a trick question: how I respond depends upon how much time I’ve had to think about it. I suspect that I would claim that everything will be okay if a tragedy gets sprung upon me; otherwise, I’d help prepare for the worst if I have time to see it coming down the pike.
And, possibly, I’d be so surprised that I freeze and do none of the above.
Honest answer? I’ll know after I actually respond…
I think there’s a real difference between “Everything will be OK” and “Your terminally ill relative will not actually die” or “Your cheating spouse has always been faithful.” Reminding them that they are strong despite how they feel, that they have people who love them and want to help hold them up when they need it, and that they will get through this, is not lying.
That said, I hate it when people try to cheer me up. Let me grieve. Help me grieve.
I love your response! And I love “I hate it when people try to cheer me up. Let me grieve.”
I’ve seen a lot of grief in my time. It helps to know what works. Thank you.
The function of sadness, as I understand it, is to bring people together in difficult circumstances. I do not believe we evolved to cope with bad situations alone. Sadness opens us up in a way that makes it safe for others to come in and provide emotional comfort and support.
I’m not a medical professional, so there’s no way I can tell if someone is close to death. The few times I’ve tried to guess have been way off. If I can help someone with the facts and logic of a situation, I will do that, but if they need a friend and someone to be with them, that’s what I do. I’m much better off responding to the sadness in these kinds of situations than I am to the factual aspects of the questions.
Lying has never worked as a coping mechanism for me, so I need to tell the truth in each situation. The truth gets me (and everyone else) through sadness. But the truth needs to be handled in a way that is loving, caring, warm and empathic. I’m really good at giving and receiving that kind of support, and that’s what I do in most any difficult situation.
I’m a bit of an emotional robot so it wouldn’t even occur to me to lie in this situation. I try to use information about empathetic listening that I’ve learned from my reading. I mirror back to the person (“So you’re saying that you feel really scared?”) and say things like “what was that like for you?” I also am quiet a lot, even if the other person is not talking.
When I can remember to use these techniques they work really well. I’m not sure that I can comfort someone, but at least I can show them that I’m not going to tell them how they are supposed to be feeling.
“It’s all going to be okay” is what I use when someone is having, say, an anxiety or panic attack, or has just received an injury. Just to calm them down in the moment, not as a general statement about their life.
I had to do this recently and it was a very complicated situation. One person asking to hear the truth about another person closer to me. Loyalty complicated the matter greatly. I “hinted” at the truth and never said it will be okay, but didn’t either tell the truth flat out. I don’t react the same way in every such situation. I don’t think it’s either tell the truth or say things will be okay. There can be other variations.
This question reminds me of a Reddit post called something like “what are things you didn’t understand until you were older”. One poster told a story about how when he was 5 he was only told his father was sick, and his mother kept insisting he spend time with him. He recalled how upset he was when his father couldn’t play with him in the hospital and he was kicked out of the room when his father had to take his medicine. He also threw a tantrum when his father had to leave a school carnival night function. Basically he acted like a normal 5 year old kid. His father was diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer. Fortunately his father pulled through and eventually recovered from the cancer. The poster didn’t realize until much later exactly how close to dying his father came.
So when dealing with a kid I can understand omitting and misrepresenting the situation. I couldn’t imagine doing this with an adult.