Paralleling

/in , /by

Paralleling is a term that I use to describe how I can read people really quickly—in the drop of a hat—without even knowing them. It is how I am able to tell if a stranger is likely being deceptive.

Paralleling for me happens innately, but it is akin to quickly identify traits of one person you know, and then apply them to a total stranger. When I meet a stranger, 95% of the time or more, my mind immediately flashes someone in my mind’s eye from my past who either looks or acts like the person before me. It happens without any conscious thought on my part. I have an exceptional subconscious brain that I think works overtime 24/7. I just suddenly see a face of someone from my past, and think “Oh yeah, this person is just like Jane, aren’t they?”

With that, I can instantly pick up on idiosyncrasies in people. I also, in an instant, have a pretty good and accurate understanding of someone I’ve never known before without ever having to exchange a word. The same thing happens for me with photos as well as voices.

__________________________________

“Our wizards are extraordinarily attuned to detecting the nuances of facial expressions, body language and ways of talking and thinking. Some of them can observe a videotape for a few seconds and amazingly they can describe eight details about the person on the tape,” says Dr. Maureen O’Sullivan of the University of San Francisco (source).
_____________________________________

Here is an example:

The other night, my husband and I were watching a new show on the Discovery Channel, called Going Tribal. It’s about an Englishman who had decided to spend one month of his life living with the most remote tribes on the planet. It’s a great show and I highly recommend that you check it out. It’s fascinating.

Anyway, back to paralleling: When I watched the host and main man of the show, Bruce Parry, I was immediately reminded of Michael Palin, you know, from Monte Python. Without effort, when I see Perry, my mind immediately flashes images of Palin. With that, I have an immediate connection. I know that Perry will likely share many characteristics with Palin.

Why or how this happens, I don’t know, but I believe it is the core of my abilities. It happens in seconds usually of meeting someone.

These flashes are so accurate, that I usually feel like I know the stranger before me, because I intuitively connect their traits to the person I have known in the past. Hence, I can immediately spot his inconsistencies, and hence, potential lies.

Well, if you watch Going Tribal, you’ll see that Parry is a young Palin. They share lots of attributes and personality traits, and I can pretty much assure you that these two men handle situations very similarly. With that, I can watch Parry and predict his behavior based on what I know about Palin.

You take this to much deeper levels, of course, if I knew Palin a lot better. If I knew Palin, in person, I could get very detailed in my description of Parry, and my details and accuracy would freak you out, as would my ability to predict when either is lying. But it shouldn’t. This is how I do it–with paralleling. This is how I spot deception in total strangers.
Looking at both men, now, we can immediately see they are similar.

  1. Both men are very honest in recounting their experiences.
  2. Both men love travel as well as risky foreign adventures that are almost life-threatening.
  3. Both men love telling their “story” and being the center focus of one.
  4. Neither man is egotistical or arrogant.
  5. Both are highly intelligent, yet enjoy living on the edge, knowingly.
  6. Both men have the ability to laugh at themselves and the absurdity of the position they put themselves into, yet they can each proclaim in honesty that they are deathly afraid despite it all.

Updated 4-8-2009

Visiting the Eye Doc

/in , , /by

A year and a half ago, my dad got a scary diagnosis. He was told he had a moderate to advanced case of glaucoma. The day we heard the diagnosis, my mom and I were in a state of shock. I remember that day vividly. My dad had lost 40% of his vision in one eye and the other eye was affected as well. We immediately envisioned my dad going blind. Thankfully, if he is lucky, however that won’t happen. With proper treatment, most glaucoma cases can be sustained to prevent more damage.

Thankfully as well my dad quickly found a doctor and felt comfortable with him. Another bonus was the medication he was prescribed seemed to manage his problem so we had little to worry about. We were all at ease that my dad could drive on into old age.

Last October, however, when my dad went for a checkup, my dad told us that his eye pressure was rising again (which meant that perhaps the medication wasn’t managing it — and he could loose more vision)– and it was of some concern to the doctor — but the doctor said they would re-evaluate it in six months. That six month evaluation came yesterday.

When we greeted my dad after the visit, he told us things weren’t looking good. Both my mom and I got a pit in our stomach. We listened my dad out.

He said that the pressure in his eye last time was 21-23mm Hg — and this time it was 25-26mm Hg. He then gave my dad a new medication and told him to start the sample at once — and to come back in three weeks to see how this “sample” worked.

I asked my dad if the doctor told him about any side effects of this sample drug. My dad said that the doctor said there were none outside of darkening of the eye lashes. I didn’t believe him.

I asked my dad if he noticed any vision changes and my dad said under his breath yes though he had not mentioned it to either my mom and I. I asked my dad if the doctor told him his vision loss was perrmanent?

My dad said he lost the ability to read an entire line on the eye chart.

I was mortified. An entire line???

With glaucoma, once you loose your vision — you don’t get it back!! It is permanent. I guess I asked it because I was hoping he would say it wasn’t.

I was outraged….and smelled a rat!

Isn’t this doctor supposed to prevent this from happening, I asked? If you were having serious problems — then he should have made you come in for a visit once a month until you corrected this. If we keep waiting like this, you could go blind! This is not good medical care!!!

I was very alarmed.

And mad.

I remembered back to the last time my dad visited this doctor. He told my dad that while his pressure was slightly elevated, if they kept it under 30mm Hg they would be okay. My dad doesn’t remember this…

Something wasn’t adding up to me. This time it wasn’t above 30mm Hg yet he is on the defensive with “new” drugs.

Why?

Was he getting kick-backs?

I expressed my concerns to my dad who flat wanted to reject me for questioning his doctor. My dad got agitated.

I then advised him and my mom that I would (a) get a second opinion, (b) I would read about this drug to see if it is “new” drug. If it is a new drug, I would NOT take it until it is well tested and studied! (c) I would read about the old drug to see if dosage could be increased — in the event his second opinion does concur that he needs to bring his eye pressure down. His current eye doctor told him it could not be increased. I want to know the truth!!

Well, first thing this morning, I have already found a lot more to horrify me. The drug is NEW. The standard care for a patient with glaucoma is monitoring 4 to 6 times a year. This guy only sees my dad twice a year!! Treatment protocol also dictates that when pressure rises even slightly — evaluations should occur at minimum every four weeks until the situation resolves! Hello, that’s logical!

Also, they say that ideal eye pressure is between 15-21mm Hg — and for someone over age 65, the medical treatment goal is to keep the pressure below 25mm Hg. Hmm….

I’m worried about my dad and VERY FRUSTRATED this morning. I’m wishing I didn’t have eyes for lies… but if it helps my dad, I’ll be happy. Very happy. My dad didn’t sense anything was wrong… Now in the face of the evidence I have exposed, he believes me that perhaps this doctor didn’t care about him like he should…

How do I spot a liar?

/in , , /by

Do I look for typical characteristics such as changes in voice pitch or wandering eyes?

Actually, no—I don’t. From all the analyzing of people I’ve done, I’ve learned one thing: Those clues are not foolproof. While one person may shift his eyes when he lies, another person may shift his eyes when he is telling the truth.

Individuals do have specific traits when they lie, but you can’t identify those until you know someone well. When reading strangers, wandering eyes or a change in voice pitch may be a clue—but they are by no means conclusive proof of anything, so I disregard them. For me, these traits are afterthoughts once I’ve determined the truth.

While I started to read a little bit about detecting liars, I quit after a few short hours of research, for fear that reading what the experts say may actually cloud my abilities. Instead, I mostly rely on my intuition and my gut instincts.

When someone talks, I intently watch the person tell the story. I watch what they say and how they say it. I start to look for inconsistencies.

Does the person’s action match with what he is saying? Most of the time, a liar’s actions will not be consistent—whether it is a fraction-of-a-second smile when they are supposed to be sad or mad—to an instantaneous, fraction-of-a-second nod of the head yes—when they verbally say no. These clues are so quick that most people miss them, but they are so telling.

Be cautious: I’ve seen people misread a deep sigh as the shrugging of shoulders, a polite smile as a smirk, an innocent twitch of the head as a shake no when someone actually said yes! Reading body language is not as simplistic as it appears…

Other times, people do and say things that no one would do in those circumstances. Their behavior is very abnormal, and while that isn’t enough to call a liar, added up with other clues, it paints a broader picture.

To be a good lie detector, however, there is more involved. You need to have a deep understanding of human nature. You must be able to identify the multiple human personalities and be able to hone in on them in seconds. We all fall into one categorization or another. Can you categorize people quickly? That’s what it takes. I know people really well, and that is how I often scare people into assuming that I am psychic, because I can categorize personalities in seconds.

I should really try to identify all the categories of human personalities I have in my head. I think it would take me a few years, as I have an enormous pool identified in my head. I have no idea how many there are, but I do rely heavily on them in my mind’s eye when trying to determine if someone is lying. What I do is take the traits they give off by what they wear, how they look, how they respond, and then I combine that with their actions. Then I take the picture painted in my head, and I match the person I am analyzing (I think it is mostly subconscious) to real people I have known well in the past. By doing this, I have a good sounding board for what actions are normal for this personality type, and I can immediately make some pretty accurate assumptions. (No, I don’t rely on personality profiles done by psychologists).

I have to take whatever a person tells me, but usually they tell me enough. While I am listening to what the person says, I am also analyzing their exterior. Much of this happens subconsciously for me these days. I determine a multitude of things such as: Is the person well-dressed or sloppy? Are they fast-paced? Or, is he a sloth? What is he wearing? Is this person a neat freak? Do they have on expensive clothes? What does their speech tell me? Is it consistent with their appearance? Do they value money? Are they bragging? Are they laid-back, perhaps lazy?

I take whatever they give me, and start calculating. I crunch the data for more inconsistencies—pretty much deep within my brain, because I don’t do it consciously.

And I calculate as they speak, and I revise the equation as needed until I have a concrete answer. It comes quickly, innately, pretty much without thought, although at times, I do some thinking here and there. I think that is my magic dispelled.

Did you find this helpful, or did I make your skin crawl?

P.S. I have an odd brain, I know. Did I ever mention that I have a photographic memory for numbers only? One day, I wrote down over 100 phone numbers in my head that I couldn’t purge. Twenty years later, I still know all my grade school friends’ phone numbers by heart. When I dial a phone number, it takes me weeks to months to forget it, and sometimes I never forget it! I know my social security number, my husband’s social security number and a credit card I use frequently, too. I even know old credit card numbers that are no longer active. Go figure.

Some Explaining To Do…

/in , , , /by

Last night, my husband and I went to return some gifts we had purchased for my parents for Christmas. We arrived at the store about three minutes before 7 p.m. As we pulled up to the front door, we saw they closed at 7 p.m.

My husband quickly bolted out of the car into the cold and dashed for the trunk. I quickly ran around to help him stack the two items so he could go in without me. He struggled for the door but managed to get it open before I could help him and then he disappeared amongst the customers.

I told him on the ride down that I would wait in the car. He had the receipts. The items were as we purchased them so I didn’t anticipate any problems. While I hadn’t specifically told him, the receipt clearly said 100% satisfaction or your money back.

I sat in the car and waited. I waited and watched as another customer was serviced before my husband. Then I saw him at the counter waiting and next thing he comes back out with the receipt as he normally would. However, as he walked towards me, I sensed something was up. I don’t know why. Perhaps I saw slight indications in my husband’s walk that he was agitated. If so, it was subconsciously registering because I didn’t see anything in particular that I can tell you about. It was just a feeling I got.

He got into the car as normal and I quickly asked him, “Did everything go okay? Did you get the refund?” He started the car, handed me the receipt and starts to pull out.

Out came the truth. “No, I didn’t.”

I’m like, huh?

Hubby: The sales guy told me that he needs a manager to make the return. I wasn’t happy but what could I do? He told me to come back another time. So instead, I left the items and told him to call us to make the return. I didn’t want him to have the receipt so I made him make a copy.

Me: What? You left the goods (at this time we are already a block down the road!)? Did you get something from him in writing that says this?

Hubby: No. I knew I was supposed to do something — so I had him right it down. I couldn’t think of what I should do?!

Me: He wrote it down and kept it. How does that help US? ((deep sigh of frustration! ))

Hubby was pissed at this time and threatened to turn around and go back. I told him that this guy sniffed him– and didn’t want to be bothered to do the return a few minutes before closing — so he pushed him off with a lie. And going back in now wasn’t going to help. For one they were closed and for two, he could deny everything. The damage was done. He knew you bought into his story. It was “clearly” a story. I knew this guy could do a return. I just wasn’t buying it.

I told him if I had gone in, I would have demanded he CALL A MANAGER! I would have read the return policy on the receipt and I would have nit-picked him about how odd it is a store would only issue a return at random times! I would have called him on his lie. Flat out. I would have turned up the pressure so fast, he would have made the return!.

The hubby knew it too. So he said to me, “That is why you should have done it!”

I shot back — I just hope we get our money back tomorrow and we don’t have some B.S. argument on our hands. This guy could take the goods and we could get screwed with a bill and no product now too!!

Well, thankfully, we didn’t get screwed. We got our money back. The store owner called and I got a big chuckle. After I talked to him, I called the husband and told him what the owner told me. The first thing the owner said is why am I giving you this credit now? You didn’t have your credit card number on you last night?

This painted a visual picture in my head:

The sales guy didn’t want to bother making the return — as I suspected. Instead he wanted to close the shop quickly and so he thwarted my husband with a really pathetic lie.

To cover his ass, he wrote a note for the store owner in the morning. “Please call these people and give them credit. You need their credit card number as they didn’t have the card on them last night when they made a return.”

What a liar he was!!

My husband feels duped this morning. The poor guy. I do feel bad for him but he needs to demand what is his and his right. Then again, maybe I need to accept that people don’t see what I see. However when 1+1=3 — Houston, we have a problem.

The employee who lied to my husband is named Jake. I can tell you one thing: Jake is going to have a lot of explaining to do today. I told the store owner the crap he put my husband through and let it be known we were not happy to be treated this way.

At first the store owner tried to defend Jake, and then before we hung up he said he was sorry and could not offer a valid reason for such treatment.

I suspect Jake will be looking for a new job today or will not have the best of days. Truly a bummer for Jake. He picked the wrong customer to lie to.

Seeing the Truth for what it is…

/in , , , /by

…is difficult if you are emotionally involved in a situation. Even if you have an extra-good radar for the truth, as I do, if you add emotions, the lie-dar gets fuzzy, making the truth harder and more challenging to decipher.

As long as you remain emotional, you’re likely heading down a dangerous path if you have to act or make decisions!

I believe that as humans, we have two conscious brains for thought: our emotional brain and our logical brain. I also believe that it is critical to be able to differentiate between our emotional brain and our logical brain. It’s quite easy to do, but you must be disciplined with yourself in order to do it.

When we endure a painful situation, our emotional mind starts playing tricks with our head. It keeps “replaying” over and over again the good memories of things we’ve lost, as if we can have them back: “if only…” Or it makes a difficult situation seem outright desperate. Our emotional mind makes us feel like we’ve been stuck into a dark abyss that has absolutely no way out (or only one out: the wrong one!). Our emotional mind torments us, cripples us and keeps us in a limbo situation. It doesn’t ever give us peace or resolve.

We can be having a good day (trying to get back on our feet) when “WHAM!” our emotional mind decides it is time for us to remember something “oh, so sweet” that is now gone (your children in divorce, a failed relationship, a loved one, etc). Our emotional mind is the one that moves us to tears in difficult situations and makes us torn about what to do! It is deceptive, and represents a trickery to our sanity. It paints things rosier-than-rosy and blacker-than-black. Our emotional mind is very dramatic.

Your logical mind, however, does not trick you. It is honest and straight to the point. However, like the devil and the angel, the angel doesn’t always prevail unless you force it to. You have to consciously work at being logical and at denying your emotional mind the liberty to sabotage you.

Your emotions will never be up to any good in difficult situations. This is when they will not be trustworthy—only your logic will be…

When you start to feel overwhelmed with either happy past memories of what was, or you get overburdened with all that you don’t have now, you have to stop your mind from creating all those vivid thoughts of lost times. You have to stop it dead in its tracks and say to yourself, “That’s the past—this is now. Where can I go from here? Today is the first day of the rest of my life.”

Then you have to force yourself to see the truth. Was it really that rosy (or is it that dark)? What it really that good (or bad)? Weren’t there problems that caused things to get to this point (There always are!!)?

What were those problems?

The problems you think about are your truth. They will be logical occurrences that happened to bring you where you are today. Write down the problems that popped up before things got to that stage of emotional torment. Own them, claim them, and then each time your brain plays tricks on you and you start to get emotional, pull them out, read them, and remember them. Then continue to take steps to move forward.

By doing this, you will logically deprive your emotions, and your brain will slowly clear. You will start to think rationally. With that, logically you will see problems for what they are, and you will see the truth about how to resolve your situation. It may take a few days, but if you are vigilant, the truth will come so long as you stay in your logical mind and deny your emotions by pushing them out of your head. You can succeed and find your truth!

When I am really having a difficult time deciphering the truth, I ask myself:

Is this fear?

Or is this what I really believe to be the truth?

If I am facing something fearful, I realize that I am dealing with my emotions, so I dig deeper. I dig until I know I see the truth and I know I have no fear. You will know the truth—you will feel it. You will feel confident and strong. Lies makes us feel weak, and vulnerable, and afraid. Emotions can deceive us, make us feel weak and incapable. Just remember that.