High-Stake Lies

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When a liar stands to get a notable gain, or faces a notable loss by telling a lie, this type of lie is known as a high-stake lie. In this situation, the liar stands to gain or lose either emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically by maintaining his lie. If his lie leaks out, the liar will pay a sizable price.

It is also when the stakes are high for the liar that clues to deception leak from a liar at a far greater level than a low-stake lie.

With that, if someone lied to me about his favorite color, and had nothing to gain or lose for doing so—which is a low-stake lie—he likely wouldn’t give off detectable hints. With that, I would be in the dark along with everyone else as to what the truth is. Quite simply, this is because it doesn’t cause anyone much difficulty to say blue instead of red, or wine instead of beer.

Now, not all low-stake lies are undetectable; it really depends on the simplicity of the lie. The more simplistic the lie is, the more difficult it is to spot (e.g., favorite color). The more complex the lie becomes, the more likely it is a clue will leak (e.g., lying about your whereabouts for six hours). Regardless, though, you still don’t get the same abundance of clues as you would in a high-stake lie.

For example, in low-stake lies, you may or may not see word searching, stammering, or thinking clues. In high-stake lies, you will likely see a mixture of those, plus emotional clues.

However, when a murderer who kills for the psychological thrill is facing charges, the stakes are high. He knows his days could be numbered, and that puts pressure on him if he wants to continue to get his sick thrill. That pressure is what causes more clues.

So, next time you tell me what your favorite color is—and lie—don’t be surprised if I don’t see it. I see lies when it comes to high-stake lies. Low-stake lies are another ballgame.

Update 7/19/2007:
High-Stake Lies also dissipate once someone is convicted of a crime. After a conviction, a person no longer has anything else to lose by continuing the lie (since they are paying the ultimate price by the conviction and the sentence). Hence, the pressure that comes from having to maintain a lie dissolves away, and the person is no longer under any pressure to lie. There are no more repercussions to lying, and as a result, the clues will be greatly diminished, if not disappear altogether.

Visiting the Eye Doc

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A year and a half ago, my dad got a scary diagnosis. He was told he had a moderate to advanced case of glaucoma. The day we heard the diagnosis, my mom and I were in a state of shock. I remember that day vividly. My dad had lost 40% of his vision in one eye and the other eye was affected as well. We immediately envisioned my dad going blind. Thankfully, if he is lucky, however that won’t happen. With proper treatment, most glaucoma cases can be sustained to prevent more damage.

Thankfully as well my dad quickly found a doctor and felt comfortable with him. Another bonus was the medication he was prescribed seemed to manage his problem so we had little to worry about. We were all at ease that my dad could drive on into old age.

Last October, however, when my dad went for a checkup, my dad told us that his eye pressure was rising again (which meant that perhaps the medication wasn’t managing it — and he could loose more vision)– and it was of some concern to the doctor — but the doctor said they would re-evaluate it in six months. That six month evaluation came yesterday.

When we greeted my dad after the visit, he told us things weren’t looking good. Both my mom and I got a pit in our stomach. We listened my dad out.

He said that the pressure in his eye last time was 21-23mm Hg — and this time it was 25-26mm Hg. He then gave my dad a new medication and told him to start the sample at once — and to come back in three weeks to see how this “sample” worked.

I asked my dad if the doctor told him about any side effects of this sample drug. My dad said that the doctor said there were none outside of darkening of the eye lashes. I didn’t believe him.

I asked my dad if he noticed any vision changes and my dad said under his breath yes though he had not mentioned it to either my mom and I. I asked my dad if the doctor told him his vision loss was perrmanent?

My dad said he lost the ability to read an entire line on the eye chart.

I was mortified. An entire line???

With glaucoma, once you loose your vision — you don’t get it back!! It is permanent. I guess I asked it because I was hoping he would say it wasn’t.

I was outraged….and smelled a rat!

Isn’t this doctor supposed to prevent this from happening, I asked? If you were having serious problems — then he should have made you come in for a visit once a month until you corrected this. If we keep waiting like this, you could go blind! This is not good medical care!!!

I was very alarmed.

And mad.

I remembered back to the last time my dad visited this doctor. He told my dad that while his pressure was slightly elevated, if they kept it under 30mm Hg they would be okay. My dad doesn’t remember this…

Something wasn’t adding up to me. This time it wasn’t above 30mm Hg yet he is on the defensive with “new” drugs.

Why?

Was he getting kick-backs?

I expressed my concerns to my dad who flat wanted to reject me for questioning his doctor. My dad got agitated.

I then advised him and my mom that I would (a) get a second opinion, (b) I would read about this drug to see if it is “new” drug. If it is a new drug, I would NOT take it until it is well tested and studied! (c) I would read about the old drug to see if dosage could be increased — in the event his second opinion does concur that he needs to bring his eye pressure down. His current eye doctor told him it could not be increased. I want to know the truth!!

Well, first thing this morning, I have already found a lot more to horrify me. The drug is NEW. The standard care for a patient with glaucoma is monitoring 4 to 6 times a year. This guy only sees my dad twice a year!! Treatment protocol also dictates that when pressure rises even slightly — evaluations should occur at minimum every four weeks until the situation resolves! Hello, that’s logical!

Also, they say that ideal eye pressure is between 15-21mm Hg — and for someone over age 65, the medical treatment goal is to keep the pressure below 25mm Hg. Hmm….

I’m worried about my dad and VERY FRUSTRATED this morning. I’m wishing I didn’t have eyes for lies… but if it helps my dad, I’ll be happy. Very happy. My dad didn’t sense anything was wrong… Now in the face of the evidence I have exposed, he believes me that perhaps this doctor didn’t care about him like he should…

Natural Law

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I believe nature naturally rewards us for telling the truth. The more we tell it, and live by it, the more confident we become, and the more self-assured we are. When we are honest, we have nothing to hide which frees the mind and body. We can look in the mirror and be proud.

However, when we lie — we doubt ourselves because we distort the facts. We question our sanity, we distrust our own being as well as everyone around us. Lying errodes our confidence and puts us on a path of insecurity, doubt, fear and uncertainty.

It’s the law of nature.

Forms of Lies and Responses

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Lies can take on many forms. Here are two forms I’ve identified: eventful and hurtful.

Eventful lies are when someone lies about things or events that do not directly affect you. For instance, your friend tells you she is happy when she is not. Or she tells you she is on a diet and losing lots of weight, when you can clearly see with your own eyes that the opposite is happening. With eventful lies, you are not the target of the lie. It may make you feel upset, mad or uncomfortable because you feel as if you are being played for dumb. However, if you think about it, these lies truly have nothing to do with you—it’s all about the liar.

Why do people tell eventful lies? Plain and simply because they are unable to cope with the truth. They don’t even consider how you feel when they lie—it’s all about their inability to cope. The reality is that their life is painful; instead of dealing with it, they try to bury it—and the more they try to bury it, the more and more they lie. It’s a vicious cycle which only robs the liar of self-esteem and confidence. It’s sadly a self-defeating coping mechanism, and worse, it pervades our society today. So many people are suffering the self-inflicted ills of eventful lies. It’s sad.

Hurtful lies, however, are when someone sets out to tell you something that (a) involves you; or (b) with the knowledge that saying such a lie can and/or will hurt you. In this instance, your friend tells you she stayed home last night sick when you know from another friend she actually went out to a party. Hurtful lies are the lies that are not easily forgotten. These are the lies that are destructive to any form of relationship.

Several readers have written to me over the past month asking me questions like “How do you deal with lies?” “Do you confront liars?” “Do you tell a friend who is living in denial the truth when she can’t see it?”

When people lie to me, I always ask myself: What is their motivation?

Are they unable to cope with the world? Or are they trying to be hurtful? When people lie and I see that it’s because they are unable to cope with their world, I can often let the lie slide. I don’t get jarred or upset, because I realize the liar and his/her lies have nothing to do with me. These lies are all about the person who is lying. How can you be mad at someone who can’t even be honest with themselves? An eventful liar may be a good, kind heart who just isn’t able to cope with life.

When I was younger, I tried fruitlessly to help eventful liars, but in the end, I only isolated myself. It’s best to leave people in denial (after offering a hint or a suggestion and getting rejected), because they aren’t going to change simply because you say the truth. They usually know the truth, but are running as hard as they can away from it. Do know that they will only change when they are good and ready. If you don’t like it, I suggest you distance yourself to a comfortable location. There is little you are going to be able to do. Denial is an ugly, powerful monster.

Should you confront the hurtful liar? Well, the choice is certainly yours, but it is going to be an uphill battle, and it is a battle you’ve already lost. If someone tells you a hurtful lie, you already know, without having to go any further, that they are going to put their own interests ahead of yours—every time—and so the value of the relationship has disintegrated. You now know you are not valued anymore. Essentially, if you ask me, the relationship has disintegrated beyond repair, for good. So what is the point of confrontation?

The only time I will ever confront anyone is if I have established a very close relationship with them, and I know that I have some potential to get through to them. When I am in a close relationship like this, I know that honesty is valued, and in these situations, I will work hard to have the truth prevail. If I can’t get through, I will worry about the future of our relationship.

How do I approach them? I approach them with love, kindness and concern. I am never brutal, cruel or mean. I tell them that I am concerned and worried. I question them and express my fears. I try to lead them to the truth. I tell them that I love them more than anything, and that I am willing to lay all my feelings on the table, even if it means risking losing the relationship, because I care so much about them that I can’t handle seeing this situation deteriorate any further.

You must have the type of relationship that was built on honesty in order to endure this. If you don’t, it could very well be the end of your relationship, though you may find the risk worthy for the good of a friend. You just have to be willing to lose your friend with honorable intentions. It’s all about being honorable. You can do this in any relationship so long as you are certain your intentions are true and are out of pure love for your friend.

In an ideal world, all friendships would be based on honesty. We wouldn’t face eventful or hurtful lies, but the sad fact is we do, every day. We thankfully see a million times more eventful lies than we do hurtful lies, which makes it a little easier, because we know it is nothing personal.

As my mom always says, “If you have to hide something, ever, something is wrong—very wrong. Let that be your guide.”

I hope this helps you take a new perspective on the lies you face. Why are you/they hiding that? What was the motivation of that lie? Is it really about them, or is it all about you?

Some Explaining To Do…

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Last night, my husband and I went to return some gifts we had purchased for my parents for Christmas. We arrived at the store about three minutes before 7 p.m. As we pulled up to the front door, we saw they closed at 7 p.m.

My husband quickly bolted out of the car into the cold and dashed for the trunk. I quickly ran around to help him stack the two items so he could go in without me. He struggled for the door but managed to get it open before I could help him and then he disappeared amongst the customers.

I told him on the ride down that I would wait in the car. He had the receipts. The items were as we purchased them so I didn’t anticipate any problems. While I hadn’t specifically told him, the receipt clearly said 100% satisfaction or your money back.

I sat in the car and waited. I waited and watched as another customer was serviced before my husband. Then I saw him at the counter waiting and next thing he comes back out with the receipt as he normally would. However, as he walked towards me, I sensed something was up. I don’t know why. Perhaps I saw slight indications in my husband’s walk that he was agitated. If so, it was subconsciously registering because I didn’t see anything in particular that I can tell you about. It was just a feeling I got.

He got into the car as normal and I quickly asked him, “Did everything go okay? Did you get the refund?” He started the car, handed me the receipt and starts to pull out.

Out came the truth. “No, I didn’t.”

I’m like, huh?

Hubby: The sales guy told me that he needs a manager to make the return. I wasn’t happy but what could I do? He told me to come back another time. So instead, I left the items and told him to call us to make the return. I didn’t want him to have the receipt so I made him make a copy.

Me: What? You left the goods (at this time we are already a block down the road!)? Did you get something from him in writing that says this?

Hubby: No. I knew I was supposed to do something — so I had him right it down. I couldn’t think of what I should do?!

Me: He wrote it down and kept it. How does that help US? ((deep sigh of frustration! ))

Hubby was pissed at this time and threatened to turn around and go back. I told him that this guy sniffed him– and didn’t want to be bothered to do the return a few minutes before closing — so he pushed him off with a lie. And going back in now wasn’t going to help. For one they were closed and for two, he could deny everything. The damage was done. He knew you bought into his story. It was “clearly” a story. I knew this guy could do a return. I just wasn’t buying it.

I told him if I had gone in, I would have demanded he CALL A MANAGER! I would have read the return policy on the receipt and I would have nit-picked him about how odd it is a store would only issue a return at random times! I would have called him on his lie. Flat out. I would have turned up the pressure so fast, he would have made the return!.

The hubby knew it too. So he said to me, “That is why you should have done it!”

I shot back — I just hope we get our money back tomorrow and we don’t have some B.S. argument on our hands. This guy could take the goods and we could get screwed with a bill and no product now too!!

Well, thankfully, we didn’t get screwed. We got our money back. The store owner called and I got a big chuckle. After I talked to him, I called the husband and told him what the owner told me. The first thing the owner said is why am I giving you this credit now? You didn’t have your credit card number on you last night?

This painted a visual picture in my head:

The sales guy didn’t want to bother making the return — as I suspected. Instead he wanted to close the shop quickly and so he thwarted my husband with a really pathetic lie.

To cover his ass, he wrote a note for the store owner in the morning. “Please call these people and give them credit. You need their credit card number as they didn’t have the card on them last night when they made a return.”

What a liar he was!!

My husband feels duped this morning. The poor guy. I do feel bad for him but he needs to demand what is his and his right. Then again, maybe I need to accept that people don’t see what I see. However when 1+1=3 — Houston, we have a problem.

The employee who lied to my husband is named Jake. I can tell you one thing: Jake is going to have a lot of explaining to do today. I told the store owner the crap he put my husband through and let it be known we were not happy to be treated this way.

At first the store owner tried to defend Jake, and then before we hung up he said he was sorry and could not offer a valid reason for such treatment.

I suspect Jake will be looking for a new job today or will not have the best of days. Truly a bummer for Jake. He picked the wrong customer to lie to.