When someone tells you

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“When someone tells you who they are,” says Oprah Winfrey, “believe them“.

This is one of my all time favorite quotes from Oprah Winfrey.

I can’t tell you how true this is, and yet people often ignore this valued bit of insight.

I’ve seen many people come clean with who they are because they know their weaknesses, and often they aren’t even ashamed about it (when they should be). Worse, those who they tell get sympathetic, and understanding — and tend to connect to them even more because they are being “honest” with them. These truth-tellers are often revered even more — because we tend to think they can’t be that bad because they are being honest with us now.

After all — it must take some strength to admit your weaknesses, right? Yes and no. It takes strength to admit your weaknesses but ONLY when you claim the flaw in them. When people tell you their weaknesses and make no apology — be warned!

In today’s news, Matthew Fox, who plays an attractive doctor on Fox Network’s Lost TV series, makes some shocking self-admissions to Men’s Magazine.

For those who know Fox, his admissions are quite intense. He says:

“I’m a liar and a cheat and a thief and the ultimate manipulator. … I tell lies every day, man,” the 40-year-old actor says in the February issue of Men’s Journal magazine. “And when I say I’m phenomenally manipulative, I am.

“I really enjoy social boozing, and what I enjoy about it is when people I know and care about say and do things they normally wouldn’t say or do,” he tells the magazine. “To make that happen I’ll instigate anything.” (source)

In this instance, if someone tells you they are like this even if you haven’t seen the behavior first hand — trust them. Hands down. Put up your guard and protect yourself.

You’ve been warned by the most trusted source there is!

High-Stake Lies

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When a liar stands to get a notable gain, or faces a notable loss by telling a lie, this type of lie is known as a high-stake lie. In this situation, the liar stands to gain or lose either emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically by maintaining his lie. If his lie leaks out, the liar will pay a sizable price.

It is also when the stakes are high for the liar that clues to deception leak from a liar at a far greater level than a low-stake lie.

With that, if someone lied to me about his favorite color, and had nothing to gain or lose for doing so—which is a low-stake lie—he likely wouldn’t give off detectable hints. With that, I would be in the dark along with everyone else as to what the truth is. Quite simply, this is because it doesn’t cause anyone much difficulty to say blue instead of red, or wine instead of beer.

Now, not all low-stake lies are undetectable; it really depends on the simplicity of the lie. The more simplistic the lie is, the more difficult it is to spot (e.g., favorite color). The more complex the lie becomes, the more likely it is a clue will leak (e.g., lying about your whereabouts for six hours). Regardless, though, you still don’t get the same abundance of clues as you would in a high-stake lie.

For example, in low-stake lies, you may or may not see word searching, stammering, or thinking clues. In high-stake lies, you will likely see a mixture of those, plus emotional clues.

However, when a murderer who kills for the psychological thrill is facing charges, the stakes are high. He knows his days could be numbered, and that puts pressure on him if he wants to continue to get his sick thrill. That pressure is what causes more clues.

So, next time you tell me what your favorite color is—and lie—don’t be surprised if I don’t see it. I see lies when it comes to high-stake lies. Low-stake lies are another ballgame.

Update 7/19/2007:
High-Stake Lies also dissipate once someone is convicted of a crime. After a conviction, a person no longer has anything else to lose by continuing the lie (since they are paying the ultimate price by the conviction and the sentence). Hence, the pressure that comes from having to maintain a lie dissolves away, and the person is no longer under any pressure to lie. There are no more repercussions to lying, and as a result, the clues will be greatly diminished, if not disappear altogether.

Beating a Dead Horse

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Okay, since the topic is so hot and people continue to wonder about the Tom/Katie relationship — Oprah re-ran the Tom Cruise Declaration of Love show this week. I taped it and watched it last night.

I am still CERTAIN that he is being honest — as is Katie.

They are truly head-over-heels for each other.

Haven’t any of you ever felt like this before??

Natural Law

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I believe nature naturally rewards us for telling the truth. The more we tell it, and live by it, the more confident we become, and the more self-assured we are. When we are honest, we have nothing to hide which frees the mind and body. We can look in the mirror and be proud.

However, when we lie — we doubt ourselves because we distort the facts. We question our sanity, we distrust our own being as well as everyone around us. Lying errodes our confidence and puts us on a path of insecurity, doubt, fear and uncertainty.

It’s the law of nature.

Is there one truth or many perceptions?

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One of my readers asked me this question: Is there one truth or many perceptions?

I believe there is only ONE TRUTH. However, there are many perceptions which people create when they hang on to little or no truth. You can perceive some pretty strange things when you count half the facts and/or reply on your emotions.