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Book and Article Suggestion

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A new reader to my blog posted an interesting comment suggesting a book and an article. I thought you might want to read it:

Here is his comment:

Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, might be of interest to you.
He wrote a piece in the New Yorker called “The Naked Face” about people who might just be like you.

Here’s the URL to the article:
http://www.gladwell.com/2002/2002_08_05_a_face.htm

Check it out.
-Steve

Thanks Steve!

I found article very interesting — and I find the book, Blink, facinating! I can’t wait to read it. All of the sudden, since October, I am finally finding people who understand me. It’s so awesome, and exciting. I have always trusted what I called my intuition, but Malcolm Gladwell puts it so much better when he calls it “rapid cognition”. I knew I wasn’t acting on a whim or an emotion but something more concrete because when I rely on those instanteous reactions, they are nearly foolproof.

How exciting!

Anne Bird, a Very Calculating Sister

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Anne Bird, Scott Peterson’s half-sister, is on the circuit, making the rounds, selling her story that she believes Scott Peterson is guilty. I tuned into Dateline NBC last night to watch her and sadly, I was disturbed by what I saw.

She doesn’t act normal. You can’t distinguish normal emotional responses from her. You can’t easily discern when she is supposedly hurt or upset versus when she is happy. She is like a doll without emotions, babbling and saying what she thinks she is supposed to say—only adding appropriate smiles or a twinge when she thinks she should—not because she is actually feeling that way. It is clear that her emotional responses aren’t genuine.

Her behavior is oddly similar to that of her half-brother Scott, although Scott Peterson mastered putting on the emotions more, so as to fool the average person. Scott said and acted the part he believed society expected of him, and he did his true dirty deeds behind the scenes. It really makes you wonder…

We all know that Scott was raised by Anne’s biological mother and was supposedly taught to shun real emotions, according to Jackie herself—but Anne Bird was raised by an entirely different family. Why is she shunning normal emotions? It’s rather scary.

Anne tries to convince you, the audience, that she is writing this book because she wasn’t asked to testify at her brother’s trial—and so now she believes the burden is too heavy on her conscience to keep it all inside. I believe she even says she feels she had no other choice but to tell her story.

During the trial, Anne stood steadfast by her half-brother. She says she thought he was innocent. But now she thinks he is guilty, as is obvious by her book title: 33 Reasons Why My Brother is Guilty.

Regardless of what she thought during and after the trial, it isn’t like the jury freed Scott Peterson, so why does she have to tell the world why she believes he is guilty?? They convicted him. So where does her guilt come in? She only had supporting evidence to the story. Her reasoning is flawed. Very flawed.

The real reason I believe Anne is writing this book? (A) She wants to get back at her mother. She has deep anger that she was given up for adoption, that her mom called Scott the “Golden Child”. This is her form of revenge: a very hurtful book for her biological mother. (B) She wants notoriety. (C) She wants the money from the book. (D) This is all about Anne, and Anne alone.

Anne is very calculating.

Anne also tries to convince you that she never doubted Scott’s innocence during the trial—that she completely trusted him regardless of incredible mounting evidence—and she saw way more than you and I did behind the scenes, which is supposedly written in her book. If you ask me, Anne knew damn well her half-brother was guilty long before she admits it.

Jackie Peterson, who gave Anne up at birth, has led a very tragic life. As told by NBC’s Dateline, Jackie “…had suffered a terrible childhood. Her father was murdered when she was just two years old—murdered just before Christmas. Then Jackie’s mother suffered a breakdown. Jackie grew up in an orphanage.”

Now add to that, Jackie gave up two children for adoption. And worse, as we all know, her flesh and blood killed someone. How much can one person handle? Wouldn’t a normal person have some form of compassion for her??

When you watch Anne talk, and you hear her divulge things about her mother that are painful, her face remains strangely emotionless, despite the fact she is saying very hurtful things. This is just another big red flag that things aren’t as they seem.

As a lie-detector, Anne’s behavior scares me. She is too emotionless to get a good read from her expressions. She is too calculated. I can only tell you that her behaviors don’t add up, that her expressions aren’t genuine—and real—and with that, I know enough to be very concerned with anything she says.

* * *
Did you know according to forensic psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow, who was featured on Oprah, that 1 in 25 people show sociopathic (non-empathic) tendencies?? I believe this is absolutely true.

However, Dr. Ablow went on to say that he thinks people are born good, and through deep struggle, stop empathizing. Then he says in time, they look at people suffering with bewilderment and curiosity.

I couldn’t disagree more. You can’t teach it—you just can’t. The normal person can’t turn it off. It’s not possible, no matter how hard you try—hence the reason why a lot of people pull the plug on life. You either have empathy or you don’t but if psychiatry admitted it, they’d loose a lot of business, wouldn’t they????

Be Politically Correct or Be honest?

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It’s not a toss-up for most people. Most people don’t even give it a second thought. When it comes to being politically correct or being honest, hands down they choose to be politically correct.

Is it because it is the easy thing to do? Or, perhaps the most comfortable?

As a society, I think the lack of honesty isn’t helping us but rather hurting us. It’s this politically correct culture that has made us off-kilter, off-balance and continues to help spiral us down. We are loosing touch with reality. People can’t handle honesty anymore!

I’ve discussed it with a few friends and inevitably I get resistance. You can’t be honest! How can you do it? You don’t want to hurt feelings. That’s the biggest reason people are politically correct: They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings which inevitably they do when people see through them. Second, they fear that being honest will cause people to judge them. Most people don’t admit it but insecurity is another big factor.

Yet in an odd twist, you can balance the world of tact with honesty — and still be respected and not thought of as crazy. It’s not hard to do. Really!

I don’t place a high value on friendships that live in the politically correct world because I know when it comes down to it — and I really need to be told the truth — they’ll wince. To me a good friend will tell me like it is, if they truly care.

Just sadly, as a society we have thrown the truth out of the door, and people have forgotten how easy it is to be honest and yet tactful. It’s really a fine line…

So, here you go. How to be honest instead of politically correct.

Jane to Jennifer: Does my butt look good in these jeans?
Acceptable and honest answers from Jennifer when Jane’s butt does look big:
— Those are really cute pants but they aren’t the most flattering on you.
— I think you looked better in these. These are my favorite on you!
— You see how this is cut, it would make anyone look unflattering. How can they make such pants?

Bob calls Bill on the phone about a party he is having and Bill doesn’t want to go:
Hey Bill! I’m having a party Saturday. I’d love it if you’d come. Can you?
If you don’t like Bill and/or are trying to cool down the friendship or perhaps you have better things to do that day unfortunately, you don’t have to insult Bob. You can say the following which would be tactful yet truthful:
— I’m sorry, Bob. I have plans. (Period — don’t explain yourself!) Thanks for the invite. (This sends a loud message).
–At this time, I won’t be able to attend but thank you for thinking about me. Have fun on Saturday.

Good friend makes a strong comment out of the blue:
Sandra to you:
Those fat kids! Look at them! They are just white trash!

People can say shocking things. Don’t let them sting you. Put in your two cents with your own moral fiber and stand-up.

You:
Oh, I think they are cute kids. How can sweet innocent kids ever be considered white trash?? That’s just wrong. So, what were we saying about yoga?

Give your friend an out to think about what she just said. Don’t put her on the spot. Just tell her what you think — like she told you.

While these are only a few examples, you can see the line between being honest and politically correct — is a fine line. They are not far off from each other — it is just when you are honest instead of politically correct — you earn respect and can be trusted.

It all boils down to not insulting the person, but objectively responding to the behavior or action. You also don’t have to give an explanation or reasoning either. Being honest doesn’t mean divulging your entire belief system, nor does it mean you are being critical or judgmental.

Now isn’t that worth it to be honest?? You certainly don’t have to be brutal, and think: We wouldn’t have to see Jane running around in pants that make her butt look big anymore pretending that she looks good!

If you have a situation where you want to know how to be honest instead of politically correct, ask me! I’ll give you some suggestions.

Marriage and Lies

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I just finished watching Oprah this morning. I decided to play a little hookie and enjoy my morning routine — on the couch! Just sadly, The Oprah Show wasn’t relaxing nor fun. It was painful to watch.

The theme of the show? Husbands who kill.

(loud sigh)

How horrific, yet sadly it is a fact of life for three women each day.

The woman I tuned into was Karen Fox. She was young, had a baby face, long straight sandy-blonde hair with blunt bangs, and wore a preppie outfit.

When Oprah asked Karen if there were any warning signs, she blinked her eyes rapidly and said there weren’t. It didn’t sit right with me and I doubted her, yet my heart embraced Karen for all that she had gone through. This poor woman, who still looked like a little girl in many respects, stole your heart in her near stoic responses.

Her husband Michael had knocked on her door. They were divorced or separated (I don’t know which) and he had the children for a visit — just when he returned, he didn’t bring the children. It was only he at the door. He came in and walked to another room. Karen followed asking what he was doing and then he pulled a knife and stabbed her more than 59 times. And while stabbing her, he told her that she needed to be with her children.

Yes, he had killed them too. Two beautiful school age kids: a boy and a girl.

Were their warning signs?

You betcha. As the story went on, there were more indications that there was trouble brewing prior to this horrific ordeal. Karen’s mom and friend gave indications that Karen may have lived in denial for the 10 years of her marriage.

I believe Karen didn’t want to confess to all the lies her husband had told to her in the marriage and leading up to this violent event because (a) she did live in denial, and (b) she didn’t believe lies were warning signs — but they were and are.

Karen also made it clear her husband wasn’t violent beforehand, and this I believe, was true. He wasn’t violent — he just lied and lied and lied — until he was so deep in lies there was no escaping it.

Furthermore, in a startling statement, she and her mother both concurred that Michael was a good father and very involved in their children’s life. I believe this is true, to a degree, too.

Perhaps that is why Karen excused her husband’s lies and continued to live in denial … because he was a good dad? I am sure many people would make this fatal mistake. It is human, no doubt, to do so.

That was the fatal mistake that cost Karen her children’s life and nearly cost Karen her life.

Nothing excuses a lie after lie after lie. Ever.

Let it be your warning sign. Make a mental note now if anyone starts on the path of multiples lie telling to you — it’s your notice start looking out for yourself.

Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig came on the show to concurred with what I thought: There are always warning signs. It’s just Dr. Ludwig didn’t state that the best warning sign you have are lies. I so wish she would have. Our society today is so complacent with lying. Too complacent.

Lies in a marriage are the biggest warning sign that things are going to get ugly — no matter what — just how ugly — no one knows. If your spouse is lying to you — or has lied to you in the past — be careful. It is a bad sign that things will not likely improve.

Lies are the best indicator of the health of a marriage.

When someone lies, especially in a marriage, it means he or she values himself or herself more than they value their partner. It means that they are selfish and self-centered, and willing hurt others for their own gain. It means the partnership is seriously damaged, if not already destroyed.

If your partner ever lies and refuses to acknowledge it, you are in serious trouble — walk out the door!! Walk out the door before it ever goes this far.

However, if your partner owns his lies, is willing to talk about them at length and is continually open to discussions about it (most critical!!) whenever YOU feel like it, and is willing to learn from the experience — over and over again — without anger towards you — you’re moving in the right direction. This usually happens with little lies — however the bigger they get, the likelihood of this reduces dramatically.

If your spouse gives you ONE ounce of anger or denial for his lies — your back on the floor and should start running — AWAY — as fast as you can! You’ve reached a critical intersection in your marriage. You must realize that you are no longer in a partnership, but a one-way street that will only result in your destruction unless you do something about it.

The worst of worst scenarios happen when people find themselves at this intersection of denial, and turn their back to these gross lies. Most hope against hope that turning their cheek in denial will allow things to blow over and they will get better someday, somehow, some way. I can promise you IT NEVER, EVER DOES.