When someone tells you

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“When someone tells you who they are,” says Oprah Winfrey, “believe them“.

This is one of my all time favorite quotes from Oprah Winfrey.

I can’t tell you how true this is, and yet people often ignore this valued bit of insight.

I’ve seen many people come clean with who they are because they know their weaknesses, and often they aren’t even ashamed about it (when they should be). Worse, those who they tell get sympathetic, and understanding — and tend to connect to them even more because they are being “honest” with them. These truth-tellers are often revered even more — because we tend to think they can’t be that bad because they are being honest with us now.

After all — it must take some strength to admit your weaknesses, right? Yes and no. It takes strength to admit your weaknesses but ONLY when you claim the flaw in them. When people tell you their weaknesses and make no apology — be warned!

In today’s news, Matthew Fox, who plays an attractive doctor on Fox Network’s Lost TV series, makes some shocking self-admissions to Men’s Magazine.

For those who know Fox, his admissions are quite intense. He says:

“I’m a liar and a cheat and a thief and the ultimate manipulator. … I tell lies every day, man,” the 40-year-old actor says in the February issue of Men’s Journal magazine. “And when I say I’m phenomenally manipulative, I am.

“I really enjoy social boozing, and what I enjoy about it is when people I know and care about say and do things they normally wouldn’t say or do,” he tells the magazine. “To make that happen I’ll instigate anything.” (source)

In this instance, if someone tells you they are like this even if you haven’t seen the behavior first hand — trust them. Hands down. Put up your guard and protect yourself.

You’ve been warned by the most trusted source there is!

Beauty is Deceptive

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Conversations

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When I converse with people, some times I find myself putting on the other person’s shoes (so-to-speak). I instantaneously try to become that person in my mind’s eye (mostly with strangers). I try to think as if I were in the other person’s surroundings — as if I were the other person. I try to understand how I would think and feel, if I were them.

I try to listen to what I am saying as if I were the receiver — before I say it, when I say it and after I say it. I try to understand how what I am saying will come across and be perceived. I attempt to anticipate the emotional responses I will get too — to judge if I have connected to someone. Sometimes I anticipate a couple of responses because I am unsure and I wait for an outcome- not knowing what will come back at me.

Anticipating the response is something I’ve always done, yet something I’ve never set out to consciously do. It’s just who I am. It’s just what I do, innately.

For example, if I met a waitress, I would try to imagine what it would be like to be her. When I would speak to her, I would try to envision myself being a waitress — to try to understand what her perspective might be like, what her perceptions might be, what might influence her thoughts…

It isn’t that I am concerned about what others think about me. Nothing could be further from the truth. It’s more that I want to understand the other person — and relate to them in a way that we both can understand. I try to find a matching plane, so-to-speak — a commonality: More so, an understanding. I want to understand the other person I am conversing with.

Naturally, I don’t always get it right — but I never give up trying.

I think this innate inter-working of my being is what makes me know people so well. I don’t assume that people know or feel what I do. I am always trying to understand, experience and feel their world, instead.

Do you do this? Do you relate to this?

When news breaks….

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When news breaks, it’s really funny. My online reader count soars and stays soared for hours.

eye(s) for lies reading online now. My online reader count at one time today soared well over 40. I’ve seen it go higher than 70 readers at one time in the past.

It immediately alerts me that news is breaking and it must be about someone or something I’ve blogged about.

I checked my statistics and saw it right away. Everyone was searching for Jennifer Hagel-Smith. Then I looked. Apparently, Royal Caribbean has settled with Jennifer. Apparently, Jennifer is going to set up a fund in George’s honor with $25,000.

High-Stake Lies

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When a liar stands to get a notable gain, or faces a notable loss by telling a lie, this type of lie is known as a high-stake lie. In this situation, the liar stands to gain or lose either emotionally, physically, financially or psychologically by maintaining his lie. If his lie leaks out, the liar will pay a sizable price.

It is also when the stakes are high for the liar that clues to deception leak from a liar at a far greater level than a low-stake lie.

With that, if someone lied to me about his favorite color, and had nothing to gain or lose for doing so—which is a low-stake lie—he likely wouldn’t give off detectable hints. With that, I would be in the dark along with everyone else as to what the truth is. Quite simply, this is because it doesn’t cause anyone much difficulty to say blue instead of red, or wine instead of beer.

Now, not all low-stake lies are undetectable; it really depends on the simplicity of the lie. The more simplistic the lie is, the more difficult it is to spot (e.g., favorite color). The more complex the lie becomes, the more likely it is a clue will leak (e.g., lying about your whereabouts for six hours). Regardless, though, you still don’t get the same abundance of clues as you would in a high-stake lie.

For example, in low-stake lies, you may or may not see word searching, stammering, or thinking clues. In high-stake lies, you will likely see a mixture of those, plus emotional clues.

However, when a murderer who kills for the psychological thrill is facing charges, the stakes are high. He knows his days could be numbered, and that puts pressure on him if he wants to continue to get his sick thrill. That pressure is what causes more clues.

So, next time you tell me what your favorite color is—and lie—don’t be surprised if I don’t see it. I see lies when it comes to high-stake lies. Low-stake lies are another ballgame.

Update 7/19/2007:
High-Stake Lies also dissipate once someone is convicted of a crime. After a conviction, a person no longer has anything else to lose by continuing the lie (since they are paying the ultimate price by the conviction and the sentence). Hence, the pressure that comes from having to maintain a lie dissolves away, and the person is no longer under any pressure to lie. There are no more repercussions to lying, and as a result, the clues will be greatly diminished, if not disappear altogether.