Quote of the Day

“The cruelest lies are often told in silence.”

Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894) Scottish novelist, essayist & poet

Pathological Liars

I tuned into Oprah this morning. The topic was pathological liars. Of course, I was fascinated and glued to the show. A woman, a mother of two, who was married confessed to her life as a pathological liar. She told the world the truth: Her every move was calculated. It was a lie. From what she ate to where she went on vacation to faking her own children’s illnesses.

It was all just to get attention.

She craved love, acceptance and attention — and she lied to get it. Constantly. She even took her three week old baby to the hospital and said she stopped breathing. She was willing put her own child through a very painful, needless, and dangerous spinal tap to diagnose something that wasn’t there– all for ATTENTION.

The worst part of the story? Lisa confessed that no matter what she did, she DID NOT feel any guilt.

This is typical of a pathological liar. She confessed that when she looks at people, she doesn’t “see them”.

I have known the fury of a pathological liar. They are the masters of “ice cold” callousness.

Oprah had on a psychologist to address this woman and while I agreed with much of what she had to say — that pathological liars hate themselves, are insecure deep down to the core, and that nothing is ever good enough for them so hence they lie to disguise it — I disagreed with one of her core beliefs — that pathological liars can be “cured” with the right treatment.

How can you cure and teach a human being to have two of the most fundamental emotions: empathy and compassion?

You simply can’t do that — no matter what treatment you offer. You simply can’t teach an emotion. It must be there from birth or you have a serious physical flaw — perhaps deep in the brain — that we haven’t yet discovered. That’s my personal opinion, anyway.

Be Politically Correct or Be honest?

It’s not a toss-up for most people. Most people don’t even give it a second thought. When it comes to being politically correct or being honest, hands down they choose to be politically correct.

Is it because it is the easy thing to do? Or, perhaps the most comfortable?

As a society, I think the lack of honesty isn’t helping us but rather hurting us. It’s this politically correct culture that has made us off-kilter, off-balance and continues to help spiral us down. We are loosing touch with reality. People can’t handle honesty anymore!

I’ve discussed it with a few friends and inevitably I get resistance. You can’t be honest! How can you do it? You don’t want to hurt feelings. That’s the biggest reason people are politically correct: They don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings which inevitably they do when people see through them. Second, they fear that being honest will cause people to judge them. Most people don’t admit it but insecurity is another big factor.

Yet in an odd twist, you can balance the world of tact with honesty — and still be respected and not thought of as crazy. It’s not hard to do. Really!

I don’t place a high value on friendships that live in the politically correct world because I know when it comes down to it — and I really need to be told the truth — they’ll wince. To me a good friend will tell me like it is, if they truly care.

Just sadly, as a society we have thrown the truth out of the door, and people have forgotten how easy it is to be honest and yet tactful. It’s really a fine line…

So, here you go. How to be honest instead of politically correct.

Jane to Jennifer: Does my butt look good in these jeans?
Acceptable and honest answers from Jennifer when Jane’s butt does look big:
— Those are really cute pants but they aren’t the most flattering on you.
— I think you looked better in these. These are my favorite on you!
— You see how this is cut, it would make anyone look unflattering. How can they make such pants?

Bob calls Bill on the phone about a party he is having and Bill doesn’t want to go:
Hey Bill! I’m having a party Saturday. I’d love it if you’d come. Can you?
If you don’t like Bill and/or are trying to cool down the friendship or perhaps you have better things to do that day unfortunately, you don’t have to insult Bob. You can say the following which would be tactful yet truthful:
— I’m sorry, Bob. I have plans. (Period — don’t explain yourself!) Thanks for the invite. (This sends a loud message).
–At this time, I won’t be able to attend but thank you for thinking about me. Have fun on Saturday.

Good friend makes a strong comment out of the blue:
Sandra to you:
Those fat kids! Look at them! They are just white trash!

People can say shocking things. Don’t let them sting you. Put in your two cents with your own moral fiber and stand-up.

You:
Oh, I think they are cute kids. How can sweet innocent kids ever be considered white trash?? That’s just wrong. So, what were we saying about yoga?

Give your friend an out to think about what she just said. Don’t put her on the spot. Just tell her what you think — like she told you.

While these are only a few examples, you can see the line between being honest and politically correct — is a fine line. They are not far off from each other — it is just when you are honest instead of politically correct — you earn respect and can be trusted.

It all boils down to not insulting the person, but objectively responding to the behavior or action. You also don’t have to give an explanation or reasoning either. Being honest doesn’t mean divulging your entire belief system, nor does it mean you are being critical or judgmental.

Now isn’t that worth it to be honest?? You certainly don’t have to be brutal, and think: We wouldn’t have to see Jane running around in pants that make her butt look big anymore pretending that she looks good!

If you have a situation where you want to know how to be honest instead of politically correct, ask me! I’ll give you some suggestions.

Marriage and Lies

I just finished watching Oprah this morning. I decided to play a little hookie and enjoy my morning routine — on the couch! Just sadly, The Oprah Show wasn’t relaxing nor fun. It was painful to watch.

The theme of the show? Husbands who kill.

(loud sigh)

How horrific, yet sadly it is a fact of life for three women each day.

The woman I tuned into was Karen Fox. She was young, had a baby face, long straight sandy-blonde hair with blunt bangs, and wore a preppie outfit.

When Oprah asked Karen if there were any warning signs, she blinked her eyes rapidly and said there weren’t. It didn’t sit right with me and I doubted her, yet my heart embraced Karen for all that she had gone through. This poor woman, who still looked like a little girl in many respects, stole your heart in her near stoic responses.

Her husband Michael had knocked on her door. They were divorced or separated (I don’t know which) and he had the children for a visit — just when he returned, he didn’t bring the children. It was only he at the door. He came in and walked to another room. Karen followed asking what he was doing and then he pulled a knife and stabbed her more than 59 times. And while stabbing her, he told her that she needed to be with her children.

Yes, he had killed them too. Two beautiful school age kids: a boy and a girl.

Were their warning signs?

You betcha. As the story went on, there were more indications that there was trouble brewing prior to this horrific ordeal. Karen’s mom and friend gave indications that Karen may have lived in denial for the 10 years of her marriage.

I believe Karen didn’t want to confess to all the lies her husband had told to her in the marriage and leading up to this violent event because (a) she did live in denial, and (b) she didn’t believe lies were warning signsbut they were and are.

Karen also made it clear her husband wasn’t violent beforehand, and this I believe, was true. He wasn’t violent — he just lied and lied and lied — until he was so deep in lies there was no escaping it.

Furthermore, in a startling statement, she and her mother both concurred that Michael was a good father and very involved in their children’s life. I believe this is true, to a degree, too.

Perhaps that is why Karen excused her husband’s lies and continued to live in denial … because he was a good dad? I am sure many people would make this fatal mistake. It is human, no doubt, to do so.

That was the fatal mistake that cost Karen her children’s life and nearly cost Karen her life.

Nothing excuses a lie after lie after lie. Ever.

Let it be your warning sign. Make a mental note now if anyone starts on the path of multiples lie telling to you — it’s your notice start looking out for yourself.

Psychotherapist Dr. Robi Ludwig came on the show to concurred with what I thought: There are always warning signs. It’s just Dr. Ludwig didn’t state that the best warning sign you have are lies. I so wish she would have. Our society today is so complacent with lying. Too complacent.

Lies in a marriage are the biggest warning sign that things are going to get ugly — no matter what — just how ugly — no one knows. If your spouse is lying to you — or has lied to you in the past — be careful. It is a bad sign that things will not likely improve.

Lies are the best indicator of the health of a marriage.

When someone lies, especially in a marriage, it means he or she values himself or herself more than they value their partner. It means that they are selfish and self-centered, and willing hurt others for their own gain. It means the partnership is seriously damaged, if not already destroyed.

If your partner ever lies and refuses to acknowledge it, you are in serious trouble — walk out the door!! Walk out the door before it ever goes this far.

However, if your partner owns his lies, is willing to talk about them at length and is continually open to discussions about it (most critical!!) whenever YOU feel like it, and is willing to learn from the experience — over and over again — without anger towards you — you’re moving in the right direction. This usually happens with little lies — however the bigger they get, the likelihood of this reduces dramatically.

If your spouse gives you ONE ounce of anger or denial for his lies — your back on the floor and should start running — AWAY — as fast as you can! You’ve reached a critical intersection in your marriage. You must realize that you are no longer in a partnership, but a one-way street that will only result in your destruction unless you do something about it.

The worst of worst scenarios happen when people find themselves at this intersection of denial, and turn their back to these gross lies. Most hope against hope that turning their cheek in denial will allow things to blow over and they will get better someday, somehow, some way. I can promise you IT NEVER, EVER DOES.

Ebay Transaction: Honest or not?

A week ago, I purchased a phone on ebay. My office phone decided that line one would only work when it felt like it — and I realized if I left it be — likely I would loose business. So after I researched which phone I wanted, I went out to see if ebay had a better buy and I found one.

On ebay I found substantial savings. The lister of the product said in the listing it was new, in perfect shape and had a full warranty. He even said he would “repack the phone” for better shipping (hello, in hindsight that was a BIG CLUE something was fishy!!).

Everything sounded good. The only concern I had was he had hidden his feedback — a feature I didn’t know that ebay allowed. All you could see what that he had positive feedback and how many people gave feedback but you couldn’t read the comments by people. It was a little odd, but I thought what the heck, the feedback is positive so who cares… (Mistake!)

Low and behold after I paid for the item with Buy It Now, I realized that without a valid receipt for this product, how could I get my warranty honored with this phone? So I e-mailed the guy. I just got a little concerned.

The lister wrote me back and told me that he bought this phone wholesale so he wasn’t able to give me the receipt, but in the event the phone didn’t operate right, he would exchange it out for another. He had 20 of these phone on hand.

I still didn’t feel better but I decided to wait until the phone came to see it. It came this weekend. When I opened up the box, there was no product-box. Each piece was separately wrapped in bubble wrap and loosely placed in the brown shipping box. There were instructions and everything appeared to be there but there was NO WARRANTY CARD.

I was annoyed. I wondered if the product was hot.

I e-mail the guy and tell him that he isn’t advertising honestly — and if he doesn’t rectify my situation, I am going to leave negative feedback. I question if the product is hot. Then I tell him that he doesn’t tell the consumer that the phone will not come with the original box as shown in the picture. I made the mistake of thinking he’d include it – even if it was folded up! I tell him that while he says there is a warranty, he doesn’t give you proper documentation to get that warranty honored.

Strangely, the ebay lister e-mails me back stating that he told me I could refuse the phone and he would give me $10 for my hassles — which he clearly didn’t — but since I accepted the phone, that option was gone. Then I get an e-mail from ebay that he inquired to get my contact information. In the process, I got his. I see his name, phone number and a PO box. That hit me a little odd — a PO Box? I had not seen that before.

Finally, with all the talk back and forth, he picked up the phone and called me.

By his voice, I would guess his age to be around 35-40. He was polished, and professional — like a true businessman. He was very well-mannered. He sounded Asian-American.

First he told me that ebay was only a hobby for him and that so far he has sold over 190 items with 100% positive feedback. Then he told me that he bought 20 of these phone for $79.99 because the packaging was damaged. He went on to say that when the plastic wrap around the crate was removed, some tape stuck to the boxes and removed the printed information on each telephone package — rending that package unfit for retail sale. That is how he could buy them for less.

He continued in a very calm manner: He told me that he is sorry he got me confused with someone else as he had gotten several details of our transaction wrong. He said that someone else bought the same phone when I did, but his shipment was late — and so for that person, he actually ran out and bought the product at full retail price which for him was around $100 more just to honor his agreement before his new shipment came.

He finally concludes and tells me he will send me a copy of that receipt so I can get a proper warranty. He says he understands what I want because, he too, is a consumer.

After I hang-up the phone, I thought through the conversation. The pieces didn’t add up…do you know why?

Well, if his story is true that he got 20 phones because the packages were damaged, then why was he waiting for ANOTHER SHIPMENT? Do they continually damage the same model phone?

Also, why does he have a PO Box? Most people on ebay give their real address — unless he has something to hide?

Furthermore, why doesn’t he give me the damaged retail box? Or, is it not damaged but perhaps will reveal some retail specific information — which could lead back to him?

Why not include the warranty card?

These behaviors all indicate he is hiding something.

Also, why did he give me such a long-winded story that touts his supposed honesty in which he boasts he is even willing to pay full-retail price for a phone just to honor his sales agreement with another e-bayer? And oh-by-the-way, I can give you a legitimate receipt… This is a classic sign and story of a liar.

And last, why does he hide his comments? I can only speculate his comments look something like this: “Great phone, but why not retail packaging and/or warranty card?” It would look suspicious to people buying the product if they read this — wouldn’t it? But since people all got new phones for a fraction of the price they all leave positive feedback and he can continue to operate without question.

This guy is a liar — a classic smooth operator.