Tag Archive for: human emotions

Dating or Married to a Liar?

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So many people come to my website because they type in the word liar, and are looking for help because they suspect, or have discovered that someone is deceiving them.

If this is you, I recommend two websites to help you understand deception in relationships. The first I have mentioned before: Truth About Deception. The second one I would like to recommend is called LoveFraud.com. Both of these websites should be helpful for people who struggle with lying in a relationship.

Read moreLoveFraud.com is a website and a blog written by a woman, Donna Andersen, who is a freelance writer from New Jersey. She married a sociopath, and has now dedicated a fair amount of her time to write and maintain this website (and subsequent blog) about sociopaths.

Andersen explains sociopaths in depth, and furthermore, she shares with us her own personal experience with a sociopath, but that is just the tip of the iceberg for this website. Andersen provides great links, research and other personal stories and encounters from other victims of sociopaths. She even has a psychiatrist on her blog who is available for questions, and who writes posts.

Do you think you’ve ever met a sociopath (or psychopath)?

I’ve asked this question to many people, and I am amazed at the response I get. “No, and I don’t want to. ” The reality is we all have met psychopaths, but most likely didn’t know it.

Psychopaths aren’t people who are raged filled, and ready to murder the next person who walks into their trap. Instead, these people are usually exceptional manipulators who can smooth talk the best of us into weaving pieces of their intricate web of deception for them without us being any wiser.

If you haven’t checked out Donna Andersen’s website, I highly recommend it. It’s packed with very useful information, and if you are personally involved with someone who lies a lot, perhaps this information will be valuable for you. It could save you from a lot of heartache, and as Donna says, it could save your life.

Andersen also writes:

Dr. Hare (an international expert on sociopaths) estimates that 1% of the people in North America are born sociopaths. If the percentage holds true for the entire world, in a global population of 6.5 billion there are 65 million sociopaths. With so many around, everyone is bound to cross paths with them sooner or later.

I highly recommend clicking on her side bar topics like Risk Calculator, Quiz: Are you a Target, and How to Spot a Con.

It’s a fascinating read!

Honesty

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When I see honesty, and I try to show other people, I am not always able to get what I see across to other people. I don’t know how to, actually. How do you, for example, point out sincerity when you see it? How do you identify a genuine expression?

It’s a bit of a quagmire for me.

When someone lies, I can usually point out the clues that I see that support my hypothesis, and usually people will see some of them. I can identify inconsistencies in fact, and behavior. I can point out smirks as well as smiles that don’t make sense, or that have odd timing. I can identify inordinate pauses in speech, strange word usage, or clues to fear when no fear should be present. But with truth, there is nothing to point out. There are no red flags, no oddities, nothing unusual. The behavior in question is normal, as expected. The emotions are genuine and sincere.

Read moreMany times when I watch people who are trying to identify honesty, I detect an emotional bias that skews their ability to register emotions, and facts correctly. Because of their belief system, they want to see something, yet no matter how hard they try to scale their fundamental beliefs, they are unable to do so. People will even speculate that the person speaking didn’t mean exactly what they said, and the person I am watching won’t think twice about rearranging the spoken words to make the message mean what they think it should mean.

Other times, people are not able to interpret emotions: they misinterpret the subtle expressions of sadness, and mistakenly assume that the sad person is callous and cold and showing no emotions. Many times, people miss the expression of contempt completely, as if it never had flashed before them.

One thing is for sure: I think our emotions are one of the biggest obstacles we have to seeing the truth. That is one reason I avoid writing about, or talking about politics and religion—two highly emotional subjects that no matter what is the truth, we will convince ourselves our beliefs are correct, and that others are misjudging the true meaning of what really is…

Intuition

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I am a firm believer in the power of intuition. I believe that if you learn to tap into it, you can get some amazing and powerful results that will guide you like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

I honed in on my intuition years ago when I was still a teenager. My mom encouraged me by sharing with me her intuitive feelings when I told her what was going on in my life. She’d give me advice based on her intuition, and over time, her intuitive sense astounded me. She was always right. She told me how she implicitly trusted her intuition and that I should listen to mine.

And I must say after witnessing her successful track record first-hand, I decided to give it a try. When I got a message out-of-the-blue in my head that something wasn’t right, I listened to it. When I had fear but I got this gut feeling that I really shouldn’t be afraid, I worked hard to persevere, and it was life-changing for me.

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At first, I kept a mental score-card, because I didn’t always have the strength to listen to it, but after seeing it’s track record, I became confident to trust it.

In didn’t take long for me to realize that I had someone to turn to in those difficult moments that I learned I could depend on: me. And more amazingly, I became a much more confident person because I knew I could trust myself. It was a powerful win-win situation.

What I learned through listening to my intuition is that emotions—most specifically, desire and fear—are two big roadblocks to good intuitive results. I realized that if I desired something or feared something, what I often thought was intuitive was hope or fear, and had nothing to do with my intuition.

That’s not to say I was rendered helpless in these situations. Instead, I’d ask myself: Is this your fear (or desire) speaking? Or is this something more?

When the answer would come back was that yes, I was afraid, or I truly wanted this outcome, then I knew that was all it was. It was only my desire or fear speaking. But there were times that I would get an answer back that told me this is not fear, this is not desire—this is something more. It was a deep feeling within me. It was strong and powerful, where my emotions were often meek and afraid and full of doubt.

Sometimes when my emotions were in the mix, I realized I couldn’t come to a determination, so I had to walk away until my emotions subsided. But I would persevere and continue until I knew I was dealing with my intuition.

Just this last spring, I learned that fear or desire can also stop me (or you) from acting on intuition, which is equally important. I had never realized this before! This could save your life. I had a flight response at a dentist’s office, but the fear of having to put myself in that same position again caused me to dangerously override my intuition. If you want to hear the story, ask me and I’ll share it in another post. It was heart-throbbing!

Understanding Rapid Cognition

Have you read Malcolm Gladwell’s book Blink? If not, you might want to. It’s a great book to get you to start thinking about what you don’t consciously think about. In it, Gladwell talks about rapid cognition. He gives the example of a near-miss car crash. You’ve probably experienced it before: Out of the blue, something happens, and you have a split-second to react, and if you don’t, you’ll die. Well, you don’t sit there and rationally think through everything. If you did, you’d die.

Instead, your mind and body responds, and then after you have survived, your conscious brain tunes into it all, and you suddenly realize the magnitude of it all. It isn’t until it is all over that you begin to shake and realize you could have just died. How does this happen?

Intuition Disconnect

For those of you who feel a disconnect with your intuitive sense, there are many websites out there that offer suggestions to help you connect to your intuition. Here are just a few:

Relationships: Learning to trust intuition

Trust your hunches: 5 steps to develop your intuition—Intuitive Advice

Test Your Intuition

And this last article was the most amazing!! When I finished the article, I realized that my intuition was spot-on, once again. Read this article; and simply by doing so, you will likely test your intuition. Go ahead—give it a try.

How did you do? Are you surprised?

Truly, there is mystery behind the science of our brains. How can that be?! I don’t know the answer, but I am certainly a believer in the power of what we don’t yet understand.

Empathy

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I think the single most important element that any human being can posses is empathy for others (people and animals) because without it, one is capable of doing great harm.

For those who are empathetic think of others before they deceive.

When I see a lack of empathy, I always proceed with caution.

Bobby Cutts Clues in Detail

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This post is a continuation/expansion on this post which was written before Bobby Cutts, Jr. was arrested.

What are some of the other clues that hinted to me that Cutts wasn’t being honest?

  1. Cutts tone-of-voice when he said the words “No, I did not” when asked by Todd Porter if he had anything to do with the disappearance of Jessie Davis. More than just the tone, it was the lack of stressing enunciation in the presentation of the words, if that makes sense. When someone says something definitively, there is a stressing of the words when one is confident of what they are saying. When Cutts said “No, I did not”, he said it mousy, weak and without conviction.

    For a comparison — right after that when Cutts was asked if he had an attorney –Cutts puts confidence behind his statement when he says the word “yes”. There is more behind that word then when he said “no”. Yet the more serious question was by far the first one where the stakes were exceptionally high. We should have heard a strong enunciative response. We didn’t and that difference clued me in, and raised my eyebrows.

  2. When I listened to Cutts talk, I tried to understand what he was saying– by making logical sense out of the words he was speaking. When he said the following, I tried to figure out what scenario would make this statement make sense.

    “The past five …five days.. have been a like nightmare that that …won’t end, like…every…every second of it , I mean when it seems like it’s turning… and gonna change… it goes back to same, or it gets worse … its different…the way I’ve been…. betrayed and just, I mean I haven’t been myself. I…I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. Anybody that knows me knows me that if I’m normal joking around and laughing…trying to have fun and make everyone else laugh and…it’s juss….just been hell.”

    If I plugged into the equation the what-if-he-did-this-scenario — it all seemed to add up. He was upset that he was being looked at as a suspect — and the stress of being looked at as a suspect was overwhelming him. When the police looked at him closely and then retreated again — it was a living hell for him. He was falling apart wondering if and when the dam was going to break — and the uncertainty of it all was driving him insane. It would make sense why he couldn’t eat or sleep — and why Jessie wasn’t the focus of his thoughts. Cutts was breaking under the pressure and this fit with his behavior and words — and actions — to a tee. Every other scenario I plugged in had inconsistencies.

  3. When Bobby Cutts said he “tried” not to watch the news stories on TV about Jessie Davis — that raised my eyebrows as well. If you are seriously distraught over your missing girlfriend and had nothing to do with her disappearance, you either do or do not watch. You have strong emotions that dictate your actions one-way or another — but you don’t waffle and and “try” not too. I suspects Cutts was afraid to watch it on TV because it would make him go even more crazy — but at times, he couldn’t resist the temptation to hear what was going on — hence he “tried” not too.
  4. When Cuts was asked how many children he had, he stuttered when he asked back “Currently?”. That really got the hair on the back of my neck to stand up. If you have nothing to do with your expected-child’s disappearance, you don’t question “Currently?”. You can interview 100s of people who are innocent and you won’t hear that. The reason I suspect for this is that the pain of accepting the loss of the expectant child is too great for an innocent person — so they stay in the current of what they last knew — until something changes. Innocent people who face a loss like this hang on to every shred of hope they can before conceding it is over.

    Furthermore, Cutts backed it up again when he answered Todd Porter’s question if he had a fourth child on the way with Jessie. Cutts said “Possibly, yes”. Again, for an innocent person — the words “possibly” would NEVER enter into their mind. They would be hanging on to every shred of hope they could muster. But when someone has something to do with harming someone, they often “distance” themselves from things.

  5. Bobby acted completely distraught far beyond what everyone else was. That was a red flag in itself. While there are scenarios where people will react differently — and emotionally out-of-the-norm and could still be totally uninvolved, we would expect to see behavioral patterns that support the emotions. With Cutts, I did not.

To come to these conclusions, it’s important I share with you that I am constantly doing a balancing act between what is said, how a person is behaving, feeling and acting. Alone a piece of information may be potentially logical — but in a puzzle, a square piece will never fit in a round hole.